"Gee, would you like to go out on a date with me please?"
- Cosmo Kramer (played by Michael Richards) on Seinfeld
We’ve been together since February so I think it’s time we started dating.
. . . by that I mean, this Substack has been running since February and the strips so far have been predominantly focused on Buddy and Romeo as characters. So it’s time to see how these [ harmless ] fools will fare on the dating scene.
Poorly. As you anticipated.
Oof. I forgot about Caroline. Real Caroline was in one of my classes in my last year of college. I remember sitting next to her in class one day (we were sharing a table — remember that for later) and no sooner had I thought to myself “she’s so hot,” she started eating an apple.
Unlike the comic above, Real Caroline ate the apple slowly. Like, horrifically slow. Even the sounds were in slow motion. I know because she chewed with her mouth open and you could hear every moment of what sounded like her kneading a sopping wet wad of Charleston Chew. Like a soaked, month-old dish cloth repeatedly slapping against a stainless steel kitchen sink. As if that wasn’t bad enough, in between bites, she’d put the in-progress apple down on the table just inches from the notebook I was unable to populate with the day’s lecture because I was too repulsed to hear what the professor was saying.
This germaphobe bachelor faced a real dilemma. If the apple remained on the table, sweating saliva and absorbing table bacteria in front of me, I’d be compelled to continue staring at it. But at least she wouldn’t be eating it. On the other hand, if she picked the apple up, it wouldn’t be inches away from my left arm anymore. But I’d have to hear her wet bites and wretched chews.
The class was two hours long and it ended before she could finish the apple. I can eat an entire apple in three minutes. She couldn’t do it in two hours? Check, please.
[ It’s also worth pointing out that in reviewing this post ahead of publication, my wife pointed out how disgusting it is when my allergies turn me into a hacking wretch, choking on phlegm. Not that you want to hear that but I thought I should probably try to balance out how critical I’m being of a girl for being a human and eating a nutritious snack. Hmm… Too much? ]
Now I feel bad. I don’t want to talk about eating anymore.
Oops. Buddy got eaten alive.
This week was honestly not supposed to have a food theme. I just pulled some dating cartoons and apparently dining is the subplot.
I honestly still remember what those horrible carriages tasted like from when I was little. They tasted just as Buddy describes. I also vividly recall the dreadful squeak the polyurethaned church pew made on my teeth at around that time too.
This Substack publishes around lunchtime on Wednesdays. What are you having for lunch today? An apple? A grocery carriage? A church pew? Buddy…?
I’ve lost my appetite.
If you’re enjoying yourself at Buddy and Romeo’s expense so far, please subscribe and share this Substack with your friends. As always, thanks for reading!